Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
BRING THE BAGELS
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
