I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
