Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize