1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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