i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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