Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
