remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
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