On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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