You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
