bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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