I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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