Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
We need to rekindle our bromance
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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