I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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