the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
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