well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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