found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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