The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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