bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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