Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
