I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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