so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
