The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
