the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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