did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
