I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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