Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Randomize
