My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
