When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
