dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Who wears a wallet chain?!
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
