It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
