Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize