I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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