You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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