if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
