I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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