you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
