well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize