Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
