If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
