Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
