I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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