tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
