Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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