Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
