Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
