i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize