A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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