I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Randomize
