just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
