my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
