ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
as a side note pls kill me
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
