i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
