We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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