I want to stick my p in your. b.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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