I feel great
I just peed on a car
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize
