I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
