he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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