Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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